Easy to get bleed

8:44 PM Rima Ramadhania 0 Comments

 Howdy good people..

 Just checking with my self today and guess what.. I still do the same so yeah dont expect too much bcs this is the same old me..

I just want to thow what I feel this far, the story of survive after I graduate. As you know I will tell all my the other side (sadness and darkness) pls dont judge me for first place..

Who I am today is creation of the past, I tried so hard to be someone who success in life otherwise in every aspect of life. I am so ambitious of being success.. I do have a standart, all the perfect expectation about future.. I do create what I want.. until.. I hit a huge hard rock.. the hard rock called failing..

I failed.. couple of times..

I do.. heal.. but I still bleeding..

Over the time, I just stuck and dont happy with my life.. in all aspect most of it.

I do hate my self because I lack of motivation and let other voice ruin me..

I get so easily to iritate, with a single words nor with an obvious harmful act..

And I dont have any courages to get up and change the situation.. I feel so numb and frustated.. sometimes I feel so crazy and yell at my self yet convinced my self that I am crazy.. 

I do call a therapist, telling what I've been thru and yes the result like what I expected before that I do have an issue.. an issue with other people.. I do get easily burn with something useless, Idk why.. sad, easy to get upset, mad, all this negative though always crossing in my mind.. I know its not unsual.. something wring with my self.. why.. 

My hubby told me that I have to be patient with my journey, to be successs its not an overnight thing.. we must fight, either to win or to learn to get there, the place that we dream of. I know yes I know that theory.. but in reality??

So hard to be okay, so hard to be kind all the time, and then I just find out that I am not good enough.. I still be the same person..

What is kind people, why we have to kind with someone who hurt us, who tear us apart? Someone who never to think twice to hurt us?

Why and why? I always questioning my self..

I read al quran and find out that we have to pass all of this challenge until we die.. Allah swt test our iman.. our believe.. and me? I  know I am not loyal all the time.. sometimes my iman up and down.. sometimes I do questioning the situation..

I am sorry.. I do apologize.. where is my iman and islam?